As I’ve tried to sort through the wide array of options for retro viewing, I did stumble across one show that I immediately snickered at and then started browsing. I’d never seen an episode of this show, but the name called to mind a whole world of feminist disgust, unrealistic Americana, Chryslers with enormous fins on the back, and the necessity of wearing pearls while baking: The Donna Reed Show. Below, I present you with my recap of a single episode of The Donna Reed Show, chosen solely for its title (“The Ideal Wife”), which seemed likely to be full of absurdities as well as personally topical. (I got a little excitable, so I’m putting the full recap after the jump).

Opening credits, depicting Donna coming downstairs and then sending her husband and two children off to school and work for the day. She sure looks happy when they finally leave.

Donna and her husband Alex are hosting a dinner party, naturally for her husband’s doctor colleagues and their wives. Everyone sits down to dinner, and the two guest wives begin sniping about their spouses.

Crabby Wife 1: Well, I do hope we get though dinner without a phone call.

CW2: Lester has a patient who calls every time we go somewhere.

CW1: Harry has one with the same sixth sense. She’s spoiled at least fifty meals.

Donna: Well, we too serve who sit and wait.

Crabby Wives One and Two

I KID YOU NOT, SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT. THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. The dinner party continues, and the wives and husbands alike praise Donna’s forbearance and understanding. Donna’s husband gets called away, and when Donna says “I’m sorry, dear,” Crabby Wife One screeches, “You’re sorry?! After working my head off on this dinner, I’d be ready to throw ash trays.” Donna seems mildly put out, canned laughter signals our appreciation of her fortitude. Alex returns from visiting Mrs. Jenkins, and the assembled whiners launch into a full examination of Donna’s perfection. She doesn’t yell at her children, she’s thrifty, she’s patient, she’s gentle. The remark about Donna’s thrift is particularly bitchy, as it gives Crabby Wife Two an opportunity to point out that Donna has already worn that frock three times. Heavens! Donna leaves the room, and overhears Crabby Wife One comment to Crabby Wife Two, “Well, we can’t all be as sweet as Donna.” This seems to upset her.

Donna begins to feel kernels of feminist rage

Heading to bed that night (in their adjacent twin beds), Donna complains about how mean it was of the Crabby Wives to say such nice things about her. Alex tries to convince her that she’s just an intelligent mother, an understanding wife, and a sweet wonderful person, but Donna protests and Alex amends his statements. “All right, you’re a mean, ill-tempered, nagging, petulant shrew.” “Oh, Alex, thank you!” Donna smiles. The next morning provides further opportunity to test Donna’s patience. Her daughter Mary tells Donna how lovely it is to have a mother who never yells, and Donna replies wryly, “Well, I bet the other girls make their beds.” Donna’s son Jeff makes similar comments about how swell his mother is compared to the other fellows’ mothers. “If I had a mother like Eddie Barclay’s, I don’t know what I’d do!” Jeff grins. “I can tell you,” Donna retorts. “You’d keep the back yard clean!” Donna then gets run over by her husband, who gets her to agree to go to a film of a gallbladder operation rather than Death of a Salesman, and then she’s further beaten up by the laundry guy, who forgets one of her dresses and won’t go back to pick it up.

Donna finally loses her temper

After the incident with the cheerful but inept laundryman, Donna snaps. “Mac,” she calls him. “I really need that dress today.” With this startling act, Donna’s reign of terror begins. She yells at Mary for not making her bed and refuses to buy her a new cardigan, she demands Jeff rake the yard before playing with his friends, and at last she confronts Alex. “No!” she tells him. “It’s a new word in my vocabulary!” “Honey,” Alex soothes, “it clashes with your sunny disposition,” but Donna is not assuaged. “Because of my celebrated sweetness,” she spits out, “I have been used, victimized, and exploited by two dimpled darlings and a husband who would rather see a film on kidney stones than a Pulitzer prized play.” Woah, what a harridan! Surely this feminist revolution can’t last!

Donna begins to feel regret for her shrewishness

Frightened and disturbed, Jeff, Mary and Alex agree to treat Donna gingerly for the time being. Certainly something has gone amiss, changing their sweet Donna into a harpy, and they can only pray for her safe return. The next day, Mary carefully makes her bed, arranges her clothing according to season, and tells Donna she’s decided to wipe down the Venetian blinds rather than go over to Judy’s house. Donna finds Jeff outside washing the car, where he’s decided to do chores instead of play soccer. Alex announces that they’ll be attending Death of a Salesman rather than the gallbladder operation, and at last Donna begins to cave. She has hounded, admonished, and chastised all the spirit out of her once loving family! Mac the laundryman’s cold manner finally convinces her of the error of her ways. “It’s hard to explain…it’s as if everyone was taking advantage of me, and I just had to take a stand somewhere…I made my point,” Donna says sadly, “but really, I lost something.”

That night at dinner, Donna cooks Alex’s favorite dish (lamb curry), buys Mary a new cardigan, and gives Jeff back his allowance. “Well,” says Alex, “the revolution is over and people can now return to their peaceful lives.” Donna tells the kids that just because she’s a nice mom again, that doesn’t mean they can return to their “slovenly ways.” They nod, and then run off, likely to trash their rooms as always. Alex and Donna agree that from now on, Donna will go on being just as “sweet” as always, but it’ll be their secret. Cue strings, end credits.

At last, comfortable patriarchy restored

Well, it’s a good thing I watched! I was just about to go off and do terrible things like discipline my children and demand the appropriate customer service for my payment, but now I know better. See how important it is to watch TV?