I know I wrote yesterday that I had no plans to blog about the new Melrose Place, but then I watched it. And now I feel it is unfair to deprive the world of any opportunity to appreciate this glorious, glorious show. So I’ve decided to reinterpret my total ignorance about the original incarnation of Melrose Place as an advantage, allowing me to understand and value this new version without any cloud of previous judgment. Here, then, is a recap of last night’s premiere of Melrose Place.

While out partying at his friend Auggie’s restaurant, David gets a text message from their landlady, Sydney, who is in trouble. Although he claims to have moved on, David rushes home to be with Sydney (in, you know, the biblical sense) after she tells him she has done something “really, really bad.” I wish I could tell you the dialogue gets better than that, but… no. The next morning, two other residents of the building, Jonah and Riley, wake up and celebrate their five-year anniversary. At first Riley is angry because she thinks Jonah forgot, but then aspiring-filmmaker Jonah turns on the television to play her the cutesy video he made of them happily bouncing around with various props (swimming pool, feathers). When the video’s done, Riley turns to discover Jonah on his knee, proposing to her. Before she can say yes –

A scream comes from the courtyard outside! And they rush out to discover Sydney, floating facedown in the pool in a cloud of blood! All the attractive residents of Melrose Place gather around, and their blank, blank faces supposedly indicate shock. While the hot people discuss the possible motives for murdering Sydney (and the motives seem legion), bisexual publicist and fellow Melrose Place-resident Ella reminds aspiring-filmmaker Jonah that he has to leave to be a videographer for a famous director’s daughter’s birthday party. Riley starts to leave for work, and Jonah asks her what her answer is to his incredibly ill-timed marriage proposal, and Riley acts a little squirrely before demanding a day to think about it.

Outside in the courtyard, Auggie mournfully tells creepy new apartment-mate Violet that Sydney convinced him he could be a real chef, and then everyone realizes David has been taken in for police questioning. Bisexual publicist Ella springs David out of jail by telling the police she spent the night with him. Glowy flashbacks inform us that Sydney used to sleep with David’s dad. And then, of course, David’s dad pulls up outside the police station in one of those cars where the door opens by sliding upward. They argue about how they both had sex with a murder victim.

Meanwhile, on a very special Melrose Place/­­Grey’s Anatomy crossover episode, hot Asian med student Lauren gets a call from her dad say he’s been laid off and can no longer afford to pay her tuition. Then a hot guy asks her out, but she’s, you know, sad now.

Over at My Super Sweet 16, Jonah pitches his short film to the birthday girl’s famous director father, who laughs him away. Weirdly, there are Bollywood dancers everywhere. Then Jonah accidentally films the famous director father making out with the birthday girl’s best friend. Whoops! Famous director adulterer offers Jonah a ridiculous amount of money and a screenplay to bury the footage. Moral conflict!!

Riley and hot med student Lauren discuss their love lives. Riley has doubts about marrying Jonah, who she worries is immature. Lauren is poor, and also doesn’t feel like going out on this date. Riley lends Lauren some cute shoes, though, so that solves that problem.

Skipping back to the murdered landlord plot, David tells Auggie that he’s worried he may have actually killed Sydney, but that he blacked out and doesn’t remember. Auggie reassures David that someone else did it, and they need to be brought to justice. More glowy flashbacks inform us that Sydney only slept with David to get back at David’s father for leaving her. Ewwwwww.

Med student Lauren is having a nice date with the hot guy from the hospital, but then he offers her $5,000 to pay her tuition in exchange for sleeping with him. She blows him off, but creepy new apartment-mate Violet points out that money is better than your self-image. Facing the exact same money vs. self-image problem, Jonah comes home all upset about the bribe from famous director father, and tells Riley he refused the money. Riley decides this means he’s a grown-up, and agrees to marry him.

All the attractive residents of Melrose Place gather outside in memory of their stabbed-to-death landlady, and while their champagne glasses are raised in a toast, Jonah decides to announce he and Riley are getting married. To auspicious beginnings!

We are left at the end with a final dramatic montage: bisexual publicist Ella makes out with a girl from a bar. Riley and Jonah have hot bathtub sex. Med student Lauren goes to the hot guy’s hotel room in order to prostitute herself for tuition money! Creepy new apartment-mate Violet surreptitiously puts the framed memorial portrait of Sydney in her purse! Auggie burns a bloody chef’s uniform in a dark alleyway! And finally, in the strangest montage scenes ever, David selects a fictional nineteenth-century landscape painting out of an auction catalogue, and then appears to pull off a million-dollar art heist.

So clearly, I was wrong to dismiss this amazing piece of television artistry. Did Auggie kill Sydney? How many shots of Ella making out with other women are necessary before we get over her sexuality? Will Lauren drop out of med school to become Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? Does Violet have a Victorian-esque obsession with photographs of dead people? And of course, how is David able to sell such fictionally renowned paintings on the black market? How did he even get into that museum without setting off the alarms? WHY IS THERE AN ART THEFT PLOT IN THIS SHOW?!

Stay tuned next week, for the new exciting installment of –! Oh nevermind.