I would be a very bad Zen practitioner

Are you staring forlornly at your television and feeling sad about the winter television hiatus (like me)? I am pleased to announce that I have an early holiday present for you, which should cheer you right up if it brings you even half the joy it’s brought me. What show could I possibly be thinking about? Steven Seagal: Lawman.

That’s right. Steven Seagal: Lawman. Allow me to quote the opening credits by way of introduction. “I make a living in the movies. But for the past twenty years (incredibly long dramatic pause) I’ve also been a cop. And along with some of the finest deputies on the force, I serve the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. My name is Steven Seagal. That’s right – Steven Seagal. Deputy sheriff.” First off, anyone who introduces himself and includes the phrase “that’s right” before repeating his own name should always win a giant trophy, preferably one covered in plenty of mirrored surfaces to help him continue to appreciate himself.

If you're going to demonstrate your ninja awesomeness, make sure to beat up the tiniest guy you can find

And that’s really how this entire show was built – it’s meant to be a huge, mirrored surface through which Steven Seagal can reflect his enormous, overpowering, Zen master, totally badass awesomeness. Thankfully, its intentions diverge considerably from its final result. Every dramatic car chase ends in Steven Seagal arriving at the scene considerably after the suspects have been apprehended. He brags that really excellent marksmen can light a match by shooting at it, and instead he just breaks the match. Steven imparts his considerable Zen wisdom to a police officer struggling to pass his weapons test, and after Steven’s extremely helpful reminders that you should “push the bullet out” and be “very stable,” the police officer manages to get a passing score of 97 out of 120. (The cutoff for passing is 96). When Steven trains some young police cadets in the art of aikido, his preferred method of martial arts fighting, he begins by remarking, “you can look at me as a movie star, or, you can wipe that sh*t out of your head and think, ‘Steven Seagal can save my life.’” Whichever option you choose, keep in mind the end result is the same: Steven Seagal is totally amazing.

In other words, this is pretty much the funniest show I have seen in a very long time. At every moment, Steven’s self-proclaimed impressiveness is undermined by what actually happens in the show, and it’s only made better when he insists on reminding us how remarkable he is. The show’s editing tries to help him out – as Steven and his partner cruise around at night looking for trouble, the camera zooms into slo-motion close-ups of various dangerous-looking silhouettes, as Steven voiceovers that his Zen training allows him to see things others cannot. Whenever he then leaps out of the car to apprehend the guy with a gun, or some guy who’s been drinking, the results are always hilariously ho-hum. The poor man Steven accuses of driving drunk turns out to be completely sober, and although he does have a gun which everyone gets all excited about, the gun ends up being legally registered to that man.

These guys are definitely beginning to appreciate Steven Seagal

I love it when a guy gets rowdy and Steven remarks that he’s “not a very good Zen practitioner.” I love it when Steven says, over and over, that the streets are horribly dangerous, and yet nothing ever happens. I love his ridiculous sunglasses. I love when he says things like, “speed and technique are very important, but more than any of that, it’s technique.” I really love how obviously his fellow officers are just barely tolerating him.

So, if you’re feeling a little down this holiday season, check out Steven Seagal: Lawman. I promise, you will not be disappointed.